Stories of Hope: An Interview with Ashley Kesner
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked mental health advocate Ashley Kesner about her journey and her recent activities. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?
AK: My story is quite long and involved, but I started to notice and become aware of my mental health issues at the age of 12. I would find myself crying for no reason and becoming frustrated because I was unable to explain why.
It wasn’t until the age of 16 that I had found myself struggling with bulimia, and what I now see was a controllable coping mechanism, that my parents had taken me to a psychiatrist where I was officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder.
I was treated at that time, but after a few years of feeling “fine,” I had decided to wean off of the medication. In my mind, I hadn’t fully accepted what had been given to me and still was battling the idea of taking medication.
This eventually led me to coping with alcohol for over 14 years to the point that I was drinking every day and dabbling in self-harm to alleviate the internal battle I was fighting with myself.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
AK: To be quite honest, I had to hit rock bottom for that to happen. After an unsuccessful attempt at taking my life, I was admitted into inpatient hospitalization. This was where I had my ‘ah-ha’ moment and knew that my drinking needed to stop.
Discovering and reading the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) provided me some relief while hospitalized, but when I was released and attended a few meetings, I found myself disagreeing with some of the theologies of the program.
I ended up going back to my old habits unfortunately and this is when I fell into the worst depressive episode of my lifetime – two weeks in bed, not eating or bathing myself. My daughter’s father had taken her away from me, and rightfully so, as I wasn’t able to take care of myself, let alone her.
With this came a lot of shame. I wasn’t suicidal per se, but had reached such an apathetic state that I felt I was more or less just taking up space. I felt nothing. It was here that I remember asking myself, “Will this ever get better?” and that was all I needed.
Something higher than me that I don’t try to define told me to get out of bed and get it all out. It felt like the only way to keep myself accountable. And that’s exactly what I did. I created a blog – GHOST IN MY BEDROOM – and published everything that I had been facing to that point and shared it to all of my family and friends. From that point, my life drastically changed and is why I proudly am able to share my story with you now.
DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
AK: Being honest with myself, required me coming to terms with the fact that my drinking was not my issue – it was a solution to bigger problems, specifically my depression. As I had no job or health insurance at the time, getting help was extremely difficult. Local doctors were giving me a wait time of 3-4 months. Where I was mentally, that was a death sentence.
On a whim, I Googled ‘depression – no insurance’ – and discovered a telehealth company that claimed they could get me in front of a doctor within hours and medication, if needed, to my door in days. They did just that. Gradually, the fog began to lift.
As I started my journey with sobriety on the brink of a global pandemic, this forced me to face myself and really, this has been the best thing that could have ever happened. COVID-19 was my silver lining.
I wrote consistently, sitting in the uncomfortable, to try and dive into all of the roots of why I was feeling the way I was. I chose to welcome the emotions that came with, finding my voice and developing the self-love that I had always longed for and deserved.
I researched, I read, and I communicated with others about their journey. I followed my intuition and then began applying the concepts and lessons daily, embracing four periods of ‘enlightenment’ along the way.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
AK: Choosing to sit in the uncomfortable to understand myself has helped me discover my purpose! As I grew in and with the recovery culture, I realized I absolutely loved it and wanted to help others with theirs.
During the course of this process, I finished my Bachelor’s degree, something that I had been working on for over 13 years, was given an opportunity to become trained and certified as a Peer Support Specialist and offered a position as a presenter for the nation’s largest mental health organization, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), in schools and various other organizations in my home state of Pennsylvania.
Working in-field, I noticed a lot of flaws in the system though, due to insurance regulations. Following my intuition again, I decided to break off and build my own peer support company – Free Your Ghost – so that I could better serve the best way I know how, as my authentic self, and is where I sit today. My coaching utilizes the same practice that I used to free what was haunting me (myself), and is known as Shadow Work, a concept popularized by Dr. Carl Jung.
Considering the fact that I did all the above in a year, you could say I’m doing pretty well. Haha! My struggle that I will continue to face is my depression. However, I have reached a level of acceptance and self-awareness that I am able to kick myself out of an episode within a few hours.
The biggest challenge is the physical symptoms that come with my depression – severe fatigue. I have learned to give my body what it needs in those moments and then take the steps that I have in place to move forward through it.
Other than that, I have been able to virtually eliminate all anxiety, and have never been more content in my entire life, a mindset that I never thought I would see in a lifetime. I have immense gratitude for this, and is what motivates me daily.
The biggest takeaway that I have learned is that true contentment isn’t about being happy all the time. It’s about welcoming all emotions, especially the not-so-fun ones and learning to grow in them. Choosing to do that has helped me manage my emotions in a more effective and healthy way, leading me to a magical place of serenity.
DS: You’ve been very involved in mental health advocacy. Please tell us a little about your advocacy efforts.
AK: The difference between myself and most is that I think this recovery deal is just too serious sometimes and this is why I incorporate humor into my efforts. My personality is to make jokes, which I find helps people relate on a whole other level. Humor is what makes me feel like me!
Most recently, I decided to explore other coping mechanisms and learn how to juggle. It’s my favorite by far! I create videos and call it ‘Jugglin’ for the Strugglin’ in honor of depression awareness. But my goal is to show that we aren’t just people who sit around and are sad all day. We’re humans who were given this for a reason, and it’s to show what true bravery looks like.
To fight an irrational brain and convince yourself of another truth without warning is not for everyone. And is also why I promote and share proudly that depression is a blessing. It’s made me who I am – a resilient and compassionate badass. I’m grateful for it everyday, and if I can help one person feel that way too, my mission is complete.
DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
AK: It’s ok to feel like a complete mess sometimes. I know it’s difficult to see in those moments, but that mess is where your power is. It’s how you choose to use it, working with and not against, that determines your “happy.” Most importantly though, a diagnosis doesn’t define you. Your recovery doesn’t define you. The only person who can define you… is you. And you’re worth that opportunity every single day.
About Ashley
After struggling for the majority of her life with alcohol use to cope with her depression, an eating disorder, self-harm and surviving a suicide attempt, Ashley Kesner started a blog – GHOST IN MY BEDROOM – in order to keep herself accountable to her sobriety. It not only did that, it helped her find her voice and purpose. Ashley is now a proud alcohol-free mom who has founded Free Your Ghost, where she is a Peer Specialist helping others to free what’s haunting them through the practice of shadow work. She is also a passionate presenter for NAMI, hosts a podcast “Cynical, Not Clinical,” and authentically advocates the importance of mental health on a daily basis. You can connect with her via Facebook, Instagram, X (formerly Twitter), or LinkedIn.
Thanks so much to Ashley for sharing her inspiring story of hope!
Would you like to share your story of hope? I plan to feature more personal accounts like this from time to time on my blog. If you are interested in sharing your story, please notify me via my contact page. Also, please subscribe to my blog and feel free to follow me on X (formerly Twitter) or Instagram, “like” my Facebook page, or connect on LinkedIn. Finally, if you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend. Thanks!