Hang On to Your Dreams

Stories of Hope: An Interview with Cassie Brown

This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked clinical social worker Cassie Brown about her journey and her current activities. Here’s our interview:

DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?

CB: I first became aware that something just wasn’t right when I was seventeen, right before I left high school to go to college. I had always been a very driven and high performing student and a bit of a perfectionist, but I noticed that some elements of my personal life were unraveling.

I raged at my mother. I had trouble sleeping. But I also had lots of creative and intellectual energy. I think that was hypomania, which, for most people, including me, feels great. I ignored how irritable, impulsive, tearful, and agitated I could become.

One day I was in a pickup truck arguing with my mother. I screamed, unbuckled my seat belt, and threw myself out of the truck while she was driving. Thank God it was just under 20 miles an hour. But my mother looked at me, pale as a ghost, and said, “This isn’t you. You need help. Please get some help.”

DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help? 

CB: In October of my freshman year of college, my younger sister died. She had profound disabilities, and I had been acting as an additional caregiver for her since a very young age. It threw me into a deep depression. But it wasn’t a typical grief-driven depression. It became a mixed episode (a combination of manic and depressive symptoms).

I described it with some sarcasm as “I wanted to kill myself, but I was awake all the time to enjoy it.” I was sleeping less than four hours a night for months that became years. I continued to be profoundly impulsive and my behavior was embarrassing, but I didn’t know how to stop.

I took my mother’s plea to heart and went to the college counseling center. I felt nearly dead inside. My counselor saw that it was a bigger issue than therapy alone could address, and referred me to a mood disorder clinic at a local university.

I still remember the psychiatrist sitting across the table from me, asking me the yes and no symptom questions. I remember answering yes to so many of them, wondering how he could possibly know these things about me. I received my diagnosis of bipolar disorder that day, and was put on medication.

DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?

CB: I wish I could say that my treatment for bipolar disorder has been a simple and straightforward process, but, like so many folks with my illness, it just hasn’t been. I was hospitalized once in grad school at a psychiatric hospital when I was so depressed that I couldn’t function and was having thoughts of suicide. At that moment, I thought my dream of being a therapist was over. Instead it has made me hold onto compassion for those I work with every day.

I have been on trials of eleven different medications in different combinations, and then I found the combination that has worked for me. I am fortunate enough to be on a mood stabilizer and another medication that boosts its effects, and I have had only minor to moderate ups and downs for the past decade.

But medication alone has not been enough. I see a therapist who helps me to develop insight into my own behaviors and thoughts. She pushes me to work on the issues from the past, including shame and fears, that prevent me from being my full, loving self.

I created my own wellness and crisis plan years ago, and I update it at least yearly. In it, I identify the things I need to do regularly to keep healthy. I list the medications I take, the psychiatrist and therapist I see, as well as the most important part of my routine: 8-9 hours of sleep. I still sometimes feel that I miss a lot of fun in life because I have to sleep so regularly, but I also know that I can’t enjoy life if I’m not healthy.

The next part of my plan lists all of the signs that things may not be going well for me, like missing sleep, negative and scary thoughts, signs of depression, panic, or grandiosity. I have learned to be very aware of small changes in my mood.

The next section is my coping and distraction skills I use when I notice symptoms emerging. I want to list things I can do for myself, such as music, journaling, warm showers with aromatherapy, and even small things like having a mindful cup of tea.

I also list the people who are supports to me, all of whom know about my diagnosis and have given permission to be on my plan. The next and final stage are the professionals and agencies I can use if my illness is more than I can cope with alone.

DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?

CB: Things today are better than I could have imagined in my early adulthood, when I felt lost and helpless. I love my job working with adults with serious mental illness and substance use disorders. My job lets me be creative and engages my curiosity and my drive to learn. I get to work with wonderful people.

But even today, major fluctuations in my life can throw me for a loop sometimes. I have learned to ask for help from my friends and family. When I feel “off,” I make sure to ask other people’s observations and perspectives. I have learned that I need to engage in creative pursuits and distractions when I feel my mood and thoughts slide sideways.

Work is a great source of strength for me, giving me something to get out of bed for that I feel really good about. I have gained confidence in myself because of that.

DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery? 

CB: Don’t buy into the idea that a mental illness means you will have no future. Or that you can’t have a wonderful future. Even if you have to adapt and change course, don’t give up on your recovery. The things you love can be huge strengths in the recovery process, whether that’s creative pursuits like writing or art, or reaching out for the family and friends who love you. Hang on to your dreams, and build on your strengths to reach them!

About Cassie

Cassie Brown is a licensed clinical social worker in practice at a psychiatric hospital in Lexington, KY. Cassie is originally from rural Missouri, where she grew up on a farm. She is a graduate of the University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work. Cassie has also been providing continuing education for other mental health clinicians since 2011 on topics such as working with LGBTQ clients, substance use disorders, burnout and compassion fatigue, and treatment resistance. In her free time, she loves writing short fiction and other creative pursuits.

Thanks so much to Cassie for sharing her inspiring story of hope!

Would you like to share your story of hope? I plan to feature more personal accounts like this from time to time on my blog. If you are interested in sharing your story, please notify me via my contact page. Also, please subscribe to my blog and feel free to follow me on X (formerly Twitter) or Instagram, “like” my Facebook page, or connect on LinkedIn. Finally, if you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend. Thanks!