Stories of Hope: An Interview with Laura Burton
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked advocate Laura Burton about her journey and her current activities. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?
LB: I was 16 years old when my symptoms of anxiety and depression began. They started off small, not anything to cry about, and then they become more “bespoke” and more consistent. I remember that I would be in college, sitting in the coffee shop with a friend, and I’d feel numb, as if I was in a bubble. Everyone was laughing and talking, but I felt like there was a bubble around me separating them from me.
Over time, I started to feel like my friends hated me. They gave me no reason at all to think this, yet the feelings were all too real. This manifested into me thinking that my family hated me. (I have always had a brilliant relationship with my family, so this completely blew my world apart).
I started to isolate myself, my confidence and self esteem had plummeted, I hated myself in every single way and I never let myself forget it. I’d be up at night for hours on end with the vilest ruminating thoughts, going around my mind. I can only describe it as the beginning of a tornado. They started off weak, but carried on growing bigger, faster and stronger.
It led to me not getting any sleep at night, and unable to attend college in the day because I was just so physically exhausted, I could barely pick my head up of the pillow. It felt as if I had a physical weight on top of me, pushing me down in to my bed. This was my depression.
Time for anxiety. Again, I would be in college and it started off small, however it came on so much faster and stronger than depression. I would be in the coffee shop with my friends, and I’d just have a feeling of unease. It grew to me feeling like I shouldn’t be there, I shouldn’t be in college, I shouldn’t be away from home! So, I’d run to the train station, and go home.
Further on, I was unable to leave the house, for fears that something tragic would happen, I also worried about my loved ones leaving the house too. If someone had gone out, I wouldn’t be able to answer the phone, as I’d think that it would be someone phoning to tell me that my loved one had died. If vehicles pulled up outside my house that I didn’t recognise, for no reason, it would send me in to a complete anxiety attack.
I knew my anxiety was at its worst, when one day I went horse riding (I had been doing this since I was 6) and I was riding a horse in the indoor arena, enjoying my ride and from nowhere I had an anxiety attack. I jumped off and ran home.
My anxiety attacks lead me to thinking that I was going to die. The physical symptoms would be enough to break the bravest of people. I’d lose my eyesight, everywhere would go white. I’d lose my hearing, or my hearing would become extremely sensitive. I would shake, start to go sick, I’d go dizzy and I’d also be unable to breathe. It felt as if I had an elephant stamping down on my chest. It wasn’t uncommon for me to lose consciousness.
Once depression and anxiety knew that they could tag team and ruin me by working together, it wasn’t long until suicide felt like my only way out.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
LB: It wasn’t my choice. Growing up, I was shown nothing but love and happiness from my Mam and Dad and two older sisters! From a very early age I was very happy, bubbly, outgoing and just an all-round lover of life. I had never brought any trouble home to my parents, I enjoyed school and worked hard. My parents allowed me to try whatever activities I wanted, just because they wanted me to be able to unlock any hidden talents, to be happy and to have something to work on, on a personal level, and not academic. They were and still are very supportive, something I will never take for granted.
So, when my behaviour and attitude towards them started to change, they picked up on it fairly quickly. At first, they put it down to the change and transition from High School to College, and the higher expectations in the academic work that needed to be produced. However over a month or two they recognised that I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating, I was missing college too often for my “lecturer to not be in that day” and that I was all round, a completely different Laura to the one that they had raised. Still, they didn’t say anything, they kept it amongst themselves, and they both kept an eye on me, until the day that they knew that they had to intervene.
I came home from college one day, and I sat down on the desktop computer in the living room. I was exhausted both mentally and physically, I was nearing breaking point and I didn’t know how much longer I could cope. My Mam sat down and kindly said “Can I make you anything to eat babes?” and that was enough to tip me over the edge. I felt rage that I had never felt before, I shot up out of my seat and started screaming and my Mam, I was so rude, I swore at her, I called her names, I was a monster, a mere reflection of my depression and anxiety, I was the perfect physical representation.
Once I was done shouting, I ran upstairs and an anxiety attack came within seconds, I was screaming at this point, I was so afraid, I didn’t understand my own mind, I was afraid of myself at this point. My Mam came into my room to try and console me. I tried to tell her what was wrong, and she kissed me on the forehead and went downstairs. (I didn’t know, I was running on so much anxiety and adrenaline, my Mam couldn’t understand what I was saying, she described the way that I sounded as that of “someone who was speaking in tongues”).
My Dad soon came upstairs and tried telling me that “it would all be ok.” I wanted to hit him, because not even “being ok” felt possible. I heard my Mam on the phone, it was 5:30pm, the doctors stop seeing patients at 5pm, but my Mam didn’t give them the opportunity to say no. She said, “I’m bringing Laura Burton in, she needs to see a GP, she’s having a mental break down, we think she has depression” and hung up.
Hearing those words, I was so afraid, I thought my parents were conspiring against me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong, they were actually saving me. They knew the time would come when they would have to intervene. They were my guardian angels, waiting for me to fall to rock bottom, but catching me just before I hit the floor, just before I would’ve attempted suicide with a true intent on dying.
DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
LB: From the age of 16-18, I struggled to receive the treatment that I needed and deserved, I don’t know why, but I do wonder if it was because I was so young. Was I perhaps not being taken seriously enough? However once I was 18, I was referred to a psychiatrist who allocated me a mental health nurse and psychologist, as well as prescribing some medication.
As my diagnoses weren’t due to any past trauma, it was clear that it was just an unfortunate chemical imbalance that occurred for whatever reason on its own. I didn’t know that this team of medical professionals would go on to save my life. I have found that I needed both the medication, and talking therapies that my mental health team offered, consisting also of CBT – which I worked on with my psychologist. The two forms of treatment worked hand in hand. I don’t think that for me, medication on their own would’ve worked, and the same goes for the talking therapies. I needed the combination of the two to go side by side.
I am now 23, and I am no longer under the care of my mental health team, I do however still take medication, which I do not mind at all, and if I need any support with that, I go to my GP who is very supportive and very much carries on the patient-centred care that my mental health team empowered me with, making me involved in as much of my treatment as possible. If I wanted to go down a dose on my medication, they listened as to why I thought it would work better and they listened. If I felt like I actually needed to change medication, they listened and agreed, leading on to us, as a team, finding the correct combination that my body agrees with.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
LB: Things are amazing. The day after I was taken to the doctors, I was in the living room with my dad ready to take my first tablet. I was an absolute wreck. My Dad sat down next to me, put his arm around my shoulders and said “You’ll be stronger at the end of this”. At the time, they were just words, meaningless words, but now, I can’t think of any truer words!
I am so much stronger than I was before I became mentally ill, and I truly believe that becoming mentally ill was unfortunately supposed to be a path in my life that I was supposed to travel on, as it’s made me a much more understanding and open minded individual. I have a good job, I have so much more confidence because I can never see anything being worse than what I went through when I was at my lowest.
I’m human, so the same as anyone who isn’t mentally ill. I still have my bad days, however instead of judging myself on these bad days, I respect them, I take them as a message from my body, that it’s tired and just needs to rest for a day or two just to stop, rest, recoup and then go again.
To help stay positive and healthy, I completely changed my mindset (something that I’m still working on), to appreciate that negative things happen to everyone, and that I shouldn’t take it personally, and I push myself to believe that the bad days aren’t going to last forever. To stay healthy, I started to go to exercise classes that focused on HIIT (high intensity interval training), and I also joined a rugby team, which was brilliant.
DS: You’ve been active in mental health advocacy and social media. Tell us about your involvement in those activities.
LB: Over the years, I think maybe three now, I have been an avid mental health advocate and campaigner when it comes to raising awareness about mental health illnesses. I began a blog, I featured on guest blogs and podcasts. I joined a mental health campaign and travelled my country giving anti-stigma talks in various settings. I’ve also been given the opportunity to work with the press with news papers and also contributing to articles and being filmed and aired on TV with the BBC.
I feel obligated to speak as openly as I do about mental health illnesses, because I feel that I can be the voice of those who were in too much pain to carry on living their lives, those who couldn’t see the way out, those who are sadly no longer with us to tell people how excruciatingly painful suffering from mental health illnesses is. I want to be the voice that those who no longer with us no longer have. I want to tell people how STRONG and BRAVE they were, and NOT WEAK because they took their own lives. Because I can, I always will.
DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
LB: NEVER let anyone invalidate or trivialise what you are feeling. NEVER let anyone judge you for your choice of treatment, as long as you are working with a healthcare professional and you are getting the right advise and care. Do what ever is best for you, whether that’s medication or talking therapies or both.
I know how hard it is to look after yourself when you struggle to lift your head up off of the pillow, but please, brush your teeth, stay hydrated and have a snack. Because when you’re in a better place, and you feel bad for not looking after yourself, it’ll be easy to spiral back in to a bad place because you’ll feel bad for not looking after yourself and it’ll be a vicious circle. Things WILL get easier, recovery IS possible, YOU HAVE GOT THIS! You’ve made it this far and look how far you have come. You’ll be stronger at the end of this, trust me.
About Laura
Hello, I’m Laura Burton. I’m 23 years old. I have depression and anxiety, and I live a full and happy life. I’m from a little country called Wales; it’s a beautiful place. You can get in touch with me via X (formerly Twitter), Instagram or my blog. Thank you for reading my story.
Thanks so much to Laura for her inspiring story of hope!
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