Stories of Hope: An Interview with Jessica Rodriguez
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked graduate student, wife, mom and advocate Jessica Rodriguez about her journey and her current activities. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?
JR: My parents were active drug users and alcoholics. My father suffered with severe anxiety and OCD; he still to this day is unmedicated. My mother suffered with bipolar I and my grandmother has bipolar I; they both are treated and medicated for these disorders.
There was not time for dolls and dresses, bows and Barbies; my siblings and I took care of each other and our mentally ill mother. Often missing school or attending school in dirty clothes with dirty faces. I never could do girl scouts or school sports. My grades reflected my life at home and the physical and emotional abuse we endured left me struggling to make friends.
At eleven years, old my father went to prison, leaving my drug addict, unemployed mother with four children. It was not long before the Department of Children and Families showed up separating the four of us. At 16 I was left homeless and alone.
I became aware of my mental health issues at age 16 when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.
I found out my father had been released from prison. My parents were together living at my aunt’s home and my grandmother whom had taken in my younger siblings had given them back to my parents. I assume they felt like after that length of time they had gotten it together enough to be parents, but they hadn’t.
My parents looked at me like an adult and I soon became a “friend” to my mom; she partied with me and experimented with drugs with me. I did not know then that the drug and alcohol abuse was just me self-medicating my mental illness. The life of drugs carried on for way too many years ended up costing me custody of my two sons and the death of my third son while in utero.
At twenty-four, I had lived in seven different states on a quest to find myself and had somehow landed in Houston, Texas. I was dead inside, yet a part of me so desperately wanted to live. Kaylee, my fourth child who was a year old, had stayed most of her little life with her paternal grandmother as I struggled through my addiction to cocaine. I was five months pregnant again and knew from experience if I did not find a way to stop, I would kill this baby too.
I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. I called every rehab in Houston until one said I could come in with no insurance. I left for rehab, it took three weeks to go 20 miles, but I made it. I prayed so hard for God to save my baby, and if he did, I promised to love her and be a good sober mother to her and Kaylee. I named her Grace; in the bible Grace means “undeserved kindness from God.” I knew I did not deserve my Grace and I would live my life in such a way that God would know with certainty he did not make a mistake.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
JR: I did not seek treatment until age 29 when I began suffering with severe mood swings and strong suicidal ideation. This affected my children and husband significantly which guided my decision to seek help. I didn’t necessarily want to die but I also didn’t want to live. The depression had taken over the logic in my mind. I was sinking fast and knew I needed help to survive for my family. My husband told me if I didn’t get help, he would take all of the children and leave me.
DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
JR: My psychiatrist has been my greatest support system. He allowed me to try many different medications until I found something that worked for me. He was always there through every breakdown I had and was not quick to hospitalize me. He supported me and worked with me through all my struggles.
The therapist who was the cheapest with my insurance still cost me out of pocket sixty dollars a visit for DBT/CBT therapy. The visits I could afford to go to were just what I needed to know that it was helping. But bills needed to be paid and the cost was not something we could afford along with the psychiatrist appointments and the four medications I was on. I refused to give up, even though I was crying and desperate. I took deep breaths while trying to figure out a solution.
Then I got online and read everything I could for days on DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and CBT (cognitive behavior therapy). I went on therapist help sites and printed out worksheets for patients and did them on myself. I did packets and packets daily while monitoring my thoughts and using contradicting tactics to eliminate negative thinking. I even created the non-judgment circle to repair the damages in my marriage. I was getting better every day, until I realized one day how different I was. The old me was gone and I was new, the negative thoughts where gone.
During this time, I also decided I wanted to help people. I enrolled in college to study psychology; I want to be a clinical psychologist. I left my position at an automotive software company to take a lower paying position at a psychiatric hospital to help people like me. Also, it’s what I consider to be my own scientific research. It is like a very long naturalistic observation study of different psychiatric disorders. I am good at my job, better than most, the patients feel loved, accepted and safe because of me.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
JR: I have been stable on meds for over a year. I am in graduate school studying mental health counseling. The challenges I still face are sometimes I just don’t want to take any more medicine, but I still do because my life depends on it and my future depends on my stability. I learned throughout the years that not everyday is going to be a great day. But I can get through the bad days with hope for a better tomorrow.
DS: You’ve been active in mental health advocacy and/or social media. Tell us about your involvement in those activities.
JR: I would like to think of myself as an advocate I run a Facebook page called Grace2Fight, a website/blog and an Instagram page as well. My twitter and LinkedIn are also for my Grace2Fight website. I share mental health awareness posts and document my journey of recovery.
DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
JR: To the ones still working on their journey of recovery don’t give up, find what makes you happy and run with it. For me it has always been helping others which is why I decided to become a mental health counselor. Who better to counsel than someone living with the same struggles.
About Jessica
I am a graduate student in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, a full-time employee, a mother and a wife. I have survived childhood trauma, foster care, a drug addiction, incarcerations, and homelessness. I have bipolar I and I am stable on medications. I changed my life in 2010 and have not looked back since. I am a survivor. You can connect with me via Instagram, Facebook, X (formerly Twitter), or my website.
Thanks so much to Jessica for her inspiring story of hope!
Would you like to share your story of hope? I plan to feature more personal accounts like this from time to time on my blog. If you are interested in sharing your story, please notify me via my contact page. Also, please subscribe to my blog and feel free to follow me on X (formerly Twitter) or Instagram, “like” my Facebook page, or connect on LinkedIn. Finally, if you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend. Thanks!