Stories of Hope: An Interview with Chelise Stroud
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked writer, speaker and advocate Chelise Stroud about her journey and her current activities. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought help?
CS: It is difficult to say when I first understood that I was impacted by mental illness. I do know that 15 was a very difficult year. I was deeply sad and could feel it both physically and emotionally. I wasn’t sure why I felt the way I did.
It was as if I had swallowed something very heavy and I was always carrying that heaviness around with me. I couldn’t shake it. I began isolating regularly, I pulled away from many of my friends and had difficulty tolerating large social events. Life felt overwhelming to me.
I didn’t know anything about depression or mental illness. A large part of my illness stems from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), a result of childhood trauma. I didn’t understand how trauma could affect someone, either. I was still young enough that I was normalizing the trauma that had occurred – believing that it either wasn’t all that bad or that I was ‘over it.’
I never sought help or counseling. My school work started suffering, but other than failing me in classes, no school official ever pulled me aside and asked me how things were at home, or how I was doing emotionally or mentally. This was in the mid-1980’s, and at that time we just didn’t talk about mental illness the way we do now.
Because of the PTSD and because I blamed myself for my depression (not understanding why I couldn’t just snap out of it), I began to get lost in a lot of self-hatred. I believed that the world and everyone I loved would be better off without me. I was unable to comprehend that the people who loved me would suffer immensely if I was gone.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
CS: When I was 17 years old, my PTSD and depression were worsening and I attempted suicide. At that time, I was was experiencing very deep emotional pain and I believed that the pain would never end.
Eventually, someone told me that I should seek out counseling in order to talk about my depression, so I did that. I worked with an individual therapist for several years, and in many ways, that work helped me to get through my late teens and early twenties. However, PTSD was still misunderstood at that time and the specialized treatment that would eventually help me to manage my symptoms, wasn’t yet available.
DS: What types of treatment have you tried, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
CS: I continued to struggle a great deal in my twenties and thirties. I was in and out of hospitals, saw many therapists, tried different medications, and worked as hard as I could to function, despite the fact that my mental health issues were still prevalent.
I was married, had a child, and was successful in my profession. None of these things were enough to ‘cure’ me of my depression. When I was 44, over 25 years had passed since my first attempt, and I attempted suicide a second time. I survived, but the physical and emotional toll the attempt had on me was profound.
I remember waking up in intensive care. I was on life support, and for the first time it occurred to me that unless I worked harder on my recovery than I ever had before – my struggles were going to kill me. I understood that I was very lucky to have lived through this attempt. It is difficult to put into words. I felt that I was alive because of a miracle, and I was now accountable to that miracle to figure out how to do something new in order to recover and heal.
A doctor suggested that I seek out specialized therapy with a therapist who provided trauma informed care. He also suggested that I take classes in DBT (dialectical behaviorial therapy) to address the PTSD symptoms of emotional dysregulation and diminished distress tolerance. Because I was scared for my life and newly committed to recovery, I did what was suggested.
In the past, in an attempt to self medicate, I’d spent many years drinking heavily and then abusing prescription pills. After my second suicide attempt, I joined a program to support my alcohol and drug recovery.
For the first time, I was clean and sober, and receiving specialized treatment for the most troubling aspects of my PTSD. These, I believe, were the efforts that had the most profound impact on my recovery.
DS: You’ve been active in mental health advocacy and/or social media. Tell us about your involvement in those activities.
CS: Two years ago, I began to be very active in suicide prevention and awareness advocacy. I am dedicated to this cause because I am in a very unique position. I am not only a survivor of suicide attempts but I am also a survivor of suicide loss. My mother, who also suffered from mental illness, died by suicide when she was 54 years old. Fifteen years later, my boyfriend died by suicide as well. I am familiar with the unbearable heartbreak that is left behind for the friends and family members of a person lost to suicide.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
CS: If I were to tell you that my mental illness and PTSD symptoms have subsided entirely, that would not be the truth. What has happened is that I have a renewed commitment to live and to take care of myself. I still struggle with PTSD symptoms on occasion. I have to pay close attention and take action when life gets overwhelming.
It is important for me to make a concerted effort to eat well, get enough rest, and talk to the people in my support system. I see both a counselor and a psychiatrist regularly. I am a member of more than one suicide loss support group.
Today, I also remain active in my community of recovery. Last October I celebrated 5 years clean and sober. I continue to use the DBT skills that I began to learn six years ago. My recovery requires daily effort, but I understand that my life and peace of mind are at stake. I now understand that by staying alive and always reaching out for help when I need it, I am not just taking care of myself, but also of the people I love.
DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
CS: My advice to others who are struggling with the same issues I do is that they be very proactive in seeking treatment and resources. There are so many different and important forms of treatment available. Find the combination that works for you, and do not give up.
It may sound obvious, but it is important to remind yourself that if you are feeling suicidal – your life is in danger. You are not at fault for your feelings, and you deserve to receive the treatment and support that you need.
I believe that we all have a life that is worth living, and I know that emotional pain can subside. Do not give up on yourself. And remember, you are not in this alone. It took me a long time to understand that I was worth recovery. Know that you are worth it too.
About Chelise:
Chelise Stroud lives in Northern California, and she is an active suicide prevention writer, speaker, and advocate. She has a personal vested interest in suicide prevention. Her mother, El Collie Kress died by suicide in April of 2002, and her boyfriend, John Macaluso, died by suicide in April of 2017. She is a frequent volunteer for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, has done advocacy work at the California State Capitol, and sits on a local county suicide prevention commission. Chelise has a widely read and well received blog, Lighting Up the Sky, which focuses on suicide awareness and prevention. Professionally, Chelise works as a drug and alcohol counselor at chemical dependency treatment centers located in the San Francisco Bay Area. Chelise believes that ending the stigma around mental health conditions is critical to her efforts. She advocates for more research, better treatment, and making resources and services readily available to anyone who needs them. You can connect with Chelise via Facebook orX (formerly Twitter).
Thanks so much to Chelise for her inspiring story of hope!
Would you like to share your story of hope? I plan to feature more personal accounts like this from time to time on my blog. If you are interested in sharing your story, please notify me via my contact page. Also, please subscribe to my blog and feel free to follow me on X (formerly Twitter) or Instagram, “like” my Facebook page, or connect on LinkedIn. Finally, if you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend. Thanks!