Stories of Hope: An Interview with Brandy Higgins
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked writer and registered nurse Brandy Higgins about her mental health journey and her current activities. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?
BH: At the age of 10, I began biting my nails, chewing on pens, and tapping my fingers with nervous energy. Later that year, I had my first bout of depression. I also had problems with memory and “daydreaming.” I later found out these were dissociative symptoms. My mom didn’t understand what was going on. I was emotionally, verbally, and abused by my father from 0-12 years old.
At age 12, my mother and my siblings and I attended a family of alcoholics weekend seminar. I learned about being roles in dysfunctional family. This is when my healing journey began. I was the ”lost child”. I had no voice. I struggled to do enough good to deserve my mother’s love. This meant do whatever she asked, get good grades, and never make demands. However, as a teen, I fluctuated between a rebellion and a perfect daughter. This continued into adulthood.
After the age of 4, when my parents divorced, I was abused in visits with my father. My father was an alcoholic/heroin addict who refused treatment for Bipolar I Disorder. I witnessed a severe suicide attempt by my father at age 2. Later, when I recovered memories of my childhood, this and the abuse came out.
My father cut off contact at 12 years old after he raped me. Up until then I was just Daddy’s little girl, his favorite, and very spoiled. I had no memories of abuse. When I found out he remarried, I was 18 and began to have flashbacks. I went into a panic about the possibility of the woman having children.
After a hospitalization for suicidal depression, I went back to college. The year I met my husband my dissociative symptoms became intense. After a psychological evaluation, I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. After three months of therapy for that, I left because I was pleasantly hypomanic and just wanted to focus on my budding relationship. I was effectively running away from the diagnosis. I did some patchy integration of alters and off I went. I never lost time after that year.
Later, after the birth of my second son, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder, my psychiatrist revised my diagnosis to Dissociative Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified (NOS). I never went back to therapy for it. I continue to have some dissociative symptoms from time to time. As a nurse, I tend to excel during the manic phase but I have needed to use intermittent family and medical leave throughout my mental illness.
I believe my full diagnoses are Bipolar I Disorder, peripartum onset with psychotic features, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Dissociative Disorder NOS. I have also suffered panic attacks and agoraphobia.
Mental health stigma is alive and real. I am almost always open about my mental Illness but I rarely talk about the abuse I suffered. Sometimes I have been treated well after disclosing my mental illness. Other times I have been demoted, fired and/or denied an opportunity for advancement as a result of my disclosure.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
BH: After a family of alcoholics seminar, I started counseling at 12 years old and was in a group for teens of alcoholic parents when I was 13 to 14 years old. I found group therapy to not be very beneficial for me. When my mood was up, I was distracting and overbearing to the group. When my mood was low, I just didn’t participate. I went to therapy on and off from 15 into my mid to late 20s.
DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
BH: First, I had about 10 years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) on and off which was so helpful with managing depression and was somewhat helpful with flashbacks. I still use the techniques to reframe my thoughts during depression, anxiety, and flashbacks. I also was journaling and did inner child work at that time. They were all beneficial to my healing. When I recovered a memory of a rape that occurred in my mid 30s, I went to therapy and received EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy, which I still use for anxiety and flashbacks.
My greatest criticism of the mental health field is that currently, beneficial therapies like CBT and EMDR as well as self-care strategies like exercise and nutrition are not emphasized in the treatment of mental illness. I believe therapy and self-care has given me an advantage in recovery.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
BH: Mood cycling started again this year. I’m still in the midst of a mild hypomania with brief ups and downs of my mood. Typically, this phase will progress to mania over the following year. There have been the usual medication tweaks.
I’ve been using tools from therapy and self-care strategies for so long that I really have to sit and think about that question because they are so much apart of me now. I usually reframe thoughts during depression and anxiety and use EMDR for flashbacks and anxiety. I’ve learned how to talk myself down from dangerous behaviors in mania like stopping medications, avoiding dangerous sexual behavior, driving, and spending.
I often use compromise with myself to overcome symptoms of mania. For instance, I may allow spending but I will limit it to spending at secondhand shops and dollar stores. I’m currently not dating because in the past, I have gotten involved in serial casual relationships which did not help my recovery. I’m not sure if I will be able to refrain from that tendency again if my manic phase progresses.
With medications, I use the habit of taking my medications at the same time each day and a pill organizer to make it easy to take my meds. If I’m started on a different routine like three times a day instead of twice a day, I use the alarm on my phone as a pill reminder. I use alarms to help with a poor memory related to dissociative disorder and medications. When I am really manic, it may take a few hours to get myself to take them but I always do.
My self-care strategies are hiking, gardening, reading, writing, prayer, and music. They are all an everyday part of my life.
DS: You’ve been active in mental health advocacy and social media. Tell us about your involvement in those activities.
BH: After leaving mental health nursing, I very much missed working with patients like me. There are no other mental health facilities near my home that I can work at. I started my blog, Live Mentally Well, three months ago to help other people and for the therapeutic effects of writing. Also, I believe I have found my tribe in the mental health community of X (formerly Twitter). It’s been a wonderful opportunity to help others and receive support.
DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
BH: Don’t give up. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal. Take advantage of therapy. Seek support with counseling, family, support groups, and social media. Take medications if they are needed in your mental illness.
Do all that you need to do to succeed in recovery. You can have a productive life living with mental illness. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Recovery is not linear. You may have to take two step forwards and one step back but you will be moving forward.
About Brandy:
Brandy Higgins, RN, BSN is the writer of Live Mentally Well – Better Living Thru Mental Wellness and a lifelong mental health survivor. Live Mentally Well is impacting our community and the world by inspiring mental wellness one person at a time. Brandy writes about mood disorders, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, postpartum bipolar disorder, Christian mental health, anxiety disorders, childhood trauma, PTSD, and dissociative disorders. You can connect with her via email, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest or X (formerly Twitter).
Thanks so much to Brandy for her inspiring story of hope!
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