Stories of Hope: An Interview with Mahayla Robarge
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked college student and mental health advocate Mahayla Robarge about her journey and recent activities. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?
MR: From the age of 10, I knew something about me was different. I started seeing the school counselor for “worries” which was just anxiety in a term I could understand. As I got older, I continued to develop other issues. I started self-harming in middle school accompanied by depression and suicidal ideation. In high school, my self-harm was severe, but by this time I also struggled with anorexia and panic attacks.
For the majority of my time being sick, I thought my parents and those around me were just being overbearing. After two one-week-long hospitalizations, many suicide attempts, and a concerning drop in body weight that has now led to life-long physical health complications, I finally realized that none of this was “normal” in terms of “going through something.”
I was diagnosed as bipolar while I was in inpatient care. My relationships with others and family have been through absolute hell. I commend my parents for sticking by me and for the strength they had to continue to fight for and with me while raising 3 other children at the same time. I lost a lot of friends during this time of my life as a result of having absolutely no motivation to put effort into keeping people around me.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
MR: My pivotal moment came when I did almost succeed in an attempt. I had instant regret and fear. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted to stop hurting. I started to actually put effort into my recovery instead of telling others what they wanted to hear so that I could go home and continue unhealthy patterns. I vividly remember throwing away all my sharp objects and the supplements I took to become thinner if it were even possible to be thinner at that point.
I saw how much damage I had done to my relationship with my parents, and I hated knowing that they waited until I was done showering before falling asleep, just to make sure I was okay. I was getting older and despite having waves of depression and feeling suicidal, I still had ambitions in life. I wanted to travel and accomplish so many things, and none of that could happen if I weren’t here.
DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
MR: I was put on antidepressants at 14. I noticed no improvement, and if anything, I felt worse. My doctor didn’t listen and continued to increase my dosage for over a year. I felt like a complete zombie. I felt everything and was numb at the same time. Being on this medication was one of the lowest points in my left, next to being completely unmedicated. After I stopped this medication, I was unmedicated for about a year and that was catastrophic.
When I inevitably landed in a mental health facility, I was properly diagnosed and put on a combination of medications for my diagnosis. These worked amazingly. I had some hiccups along the way, I stopped taking them a few times and things would get worse. But, I am able to now recognize that I need this medication for my own quality of life, and that is okay.
I have also completed a 9-month dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) program alongside my parents. This program helped me in a lot of ways, even though I kind of hated it at the time. Looking back, I apply so many of the coping skills I learned to my daily life today. Now that I am healthy enough to have an interest in developing hobbies, I have started painting and doing other forms of art which I have found to be very therapeutic. I enjoy being out in nature as well, which always makes me feel so much better after a stressful or sad event in my life.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
MR: I am so lucky to be here to be able to say that I am doing so much better. I still struggle sometimes, and I always will for as long as I am a human being. I struggle with seasonal depression in the winter, which can make me feel inclined to slip into the comforting lull of depression again.
I battle with my body image at times, especially with social media all around me, I can’t help but compare myself to others even if logically, I know that they are photoshopped. I often find myself giving out advice that sometimes I need to take myself. I like to remind myself to treat me how I would treat others.
I realized a while ago that your brain is an organ, like your liver or kidneys. If your liver had a sickness, you wouldn’t ignore it. Why do we do this with mental illness? It is just as valid and serious as any other illness of any other organ. This has always stuck with me. Remembering that my illness is something I manage, not who I am.
DS: Have you been involved with any mental health organizations or done any mental health advocacy?
MR: I became one of a few leaders and peer mentors in an organization called YANA, which stands for You Are Not Alone. It is a small group of kids ages 5-16 where we help teach them important coping skills and provide them with a safe space. It is a subgroup of an adoption agency and all of the children are adoptees. We teach them how to cope with the loss that adoption is at its very foundation.
DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
MR: Recovery is not a straight line upward. I went back down several times. I stayed on a plane several times. I also went up. Recognizing you want and need help is a huge accomplishment that you should absolutely be proud of. But allow yourself to be human. You will have bad days, weeks, months, or years. You will relapse. You will be challenged.
I realized a while ago that my bipolar is something I will continue to manage for the rest of my life. But I am the one managing it, it is not managing me. You are in control of your life. You are who can change things for the better. I can’t promise it’ll be a smooth ride, but I can promise you that you can do it.
About Mahayla:
Mahayla is a 20-year-old student earning her degree in psychology. After overcoming bipolar,
anorexia, prescription drug abuse, suicide attempts, self harm, and sexual assault, she now
advocates for mental health and victims of assault. She participates in peer mentorship for kids
and continues to share her story to advocacy platforms in hope of helping others and bringing
awareness. She plans to finish her degree and provide art therapy services to children. You can
reach out to her on Instagram.
Thanks so much to Mahayla for sharing her inspiring story of hope!
Would you like to share your story of hope? I plan to feature more personal accounts like this from time to time on my blog. If you are interested in sharing your story, please notify me via my contact page. Also, please subscribe to my blog and feel free to follow me on X (formerly Twitter) or Instagram, “like” my Facebook page, or connect on LinkedIn. Finally, if you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend. Thanks!