Stories of Hope: An Interview with Michelle Balge
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked author, web designer and advocate Michelle Balge about her mental health journey and her current activities. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?
MB: I became aware of my mental illnesses at different times. I noticed that I had a fear of people from a very young age, dating back to early elementary school. I was very awkward and uncomfortable in social situations, and I felt as if everyone was judging me. This got stronger as the years went on, and it affected my daily life. In university it got to its worst point, where I couldn’t leave the house.
When I was a teenager and first got my period, I experienced symptoms of severe depression during PMS. This is actually called PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I cried for hours, had suicidal thoughts, and at times became numb. It affected me for 1 to 3 days nearly every month until I entered my final year of high school, when I experienced major depression.
I noticed in grade 12 that I was feeling depressed every day, and how I used to feel once a month, I now felt continuously. This included bouts of intense crying, hopelessness, fatigue, suicidal thoughts, and more. Friends at school would ask if I was ok, and I always told them I was tired. I didn’t want anyone to know how I was feeling because I didn’t want them to worry about me. I also believed that I wasn’t worth being worried about.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
MB: I never sought help for my PMDD, but I did ask online if it was normal to have suicidal thoughts during PMS, which I was shocked to find out didn’t happen to most people. I did seek help while being consistently depressed, but only after several months of feeling that way and my parents recognizing something was wrong. I don’t remember if I just told them or they asked me, but when they heard how upset I was feeling, they took me straight to my family doctor.
I didn’t seek help for my social anxiety until it affected me so much that I could no longer attend classes in university in my early twenties. As a result I had to drop out. I was too afraid to leave my room, let alone my own house. It was the fear of people outside seeing me and judging me that kept me isolating myself from others. This is the point where I moved back home, saw a therapist, and she recommended me to a group therapy program that was exceptionally helpful.
DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
MB: My treatment has consisted of a variety of things; Medication, one-on-one therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), group therapy, healthy eating, exercise, and a light box. For my social anxiety, group therapy (with a focus on CBT) was a huge game-changer.
I took a program with CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, in Toronto for 3 months that was specifically for people with social anxiety. It was extremely effective for making me see how distorted my thoughts were, and this in turn helped with my depression.
One of the biggest things to help with my depression was medication, but in order to really fight my negative thoughts, I needed CBT. It gets down to the roots of your negative thoughts and restructures them to more positive and realistic thoughts.
I am on medication to help both my depression and social anxiety, but medication is helped so much by using other tools as well. Since my depression has gone away, I haven’t had symptoms of PMDD either, and only experience mild emotional changes during PMS.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
MB: Things are going very well for me now. I no longer feel depressed, other than the typical ups and downs that everyone feels in life. I’ll get the odd day when I feel depressed, but I either talk to someone about it and/or use the CBT tools I’ve learned. My social anxiety will always be around, but it doesn’t affect my daily life in the way it used to.
I still get very nervous in social situations, and sometimes even avoid them, but I push myself to try again the next time. I was able to reenter and finish university, go to college, and now have written a book and run my own business. I can’t stress enough how much CBT can make a difference in your outlook on life and yourself.
DS: You’ve been active in mental health advocacy. Tell us about your involvement in those activities.
MB: When in university (after re-entering), I joined a mental health club called Active Minds. I was incredibly active in the club and later became the Vice President, then President. I spoke at a “Speak Out Night” where people shared their stories of living with mental illness, and found that although it’s a terrifying experience, it’s also incredibly rewarding.
I connected with CAMH and my school to bring CAMH’s event “One Brave Night” to my university, and was heavily involved in that for a couple years. I also worked at a mental health foundation, which led to more opportunities to speak. I’ve now spoken at more than several events, and would love to do more. I wrote a memoir based on my experience in the hopes it will be able to help others, and it appears to already be doing just that.
DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
MB: For those who are still working on their journey to recovery, know that it is possible to recover. I know how hopeless life can seem to be, and how it feels like you’re a burden to others, but that’s your illness speaking. What is actually true, is that you are absolutely worth it. You are in no way a burden. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are the one with a problem.
Keep pushing through, seek help, make a safety plan, and know that there are people and resources out there to help. You probably don’t know it, but you are loved by more people than you would think. You’re cared about more than you think. I hope that one day you’ll believe in yourself the way others do about you.
About Michelle
Michelle Balge is an author, web designer, and mental health advocate from Toronto, Ontario. In addition to mental health, she is also passionate about animal welfare. You can connect with Michelle via her author website or her web design business.
Thanks so much to Michelle for her inspiring story of hope!
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