Stories of Hope: An Interview with Z Zoccolante
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked advocate and aspiring therapist Z Zoccolante about her history of mental health challenges and her current activities. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?
ZZ: My background is 11 ½ years with eating disorders, vacillating between patterns of anorexia and bulimia. I first became aware that I had a problem about six months into my freshman year of high school. The eating disorder had crept in the summer before, when I was a junior lifeguard and was on a path of trying to eat healthy and swimming laps everyday before lunch. When school began, I remember thinking that I was simply being healthy and fit until I realized that at every lunch break I felt a compulsion to exercise. Along with this came the obsession to cut out and limit foods, and to begin to chastise my body in the mirror.
I was a loner in high school because I had some social anxiety and felt uncomfortable interacting with other people, so I spent all my time alone in the locker room or in the back of the library, reading or writing in my journal. I felt as though I didn’t fit in, so my eating disorder made me feel like I had something that was mine. I knew it was a problem when I realized it felt as though I “had to” exercise and “couldn’t” eat certain foods such as desserts. There was a side of me that was proud of my determination and willpower even though I was slipping into isolation, wearing a pretty smile but sad on the inside.
My natural body type is on the thinner side, and even though I was eating three meals a day I was over-exercising, so my parents were worried all the time. We ate dinners together, which were stressful for my whole family because I felt like the pink elephant in the room on observation. I began to have both anxiety and depression, and I flipped into bulimia. My parents suffered a lot because they didn’t know what to do. They took me to a therapist but I refused to talk to her and I became better at pretending I was okay. It makes me really sad now to think how I withdrew from everyone who loved me because they were trying to take away the one thing that I thought would make me happy.
Eventually though any addiction no longer makes you happy, and instead becomes like an abusive lover. My addiction kept me from making close friendships because then people could get too close to me. In my early 20’s I got married and the eating disorder almost ended up destroying our marriage. Because I was suffering, everyone around me also suffered. I felt alone and as much as I tried to get better I consistently broke my promises to myself and felt like a piece of crap on a daily basis.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?
ZZ: My ex-husband was the reason I got help. We were in the middle of our marriage and my eating disorder had gotten bad again. He knew that I was binging and purging a lot and the behaviors caused a lot of disconnection between us because I wasn’t present and in the moment.
He gave me a letter he wrote begging me to get help and saying that he loved me and he knew that we could get through this together. He listed all the ways I could die and he cried. He said he didn’t want to come home one day and find me dead on the bathroom floor and he said he thought about that when he was at work. That broke my heart to think about him being at work and thinking about that. I was a jerk though and through that entire conversation I stared past his ear at the wall and ignored him till he went upstairs. I was so ashamed and sad and when he closed the bedroom door I broke down crying.
He had found a therapist for me to see and I agreed to go that week. The therapist had two meetings with me and immediately found me a treatment facility that I went to for 30 days. It didn’t fix me but it gave me that sliver of hope that recovery was possible. From there I kept going imperfectly towards recovery until I found the therapist I worked with for a year that I joke, “fixed my brain.”
DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
ZZ: Therapy. My therapist was CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) based and she changed my entire life. I saw her every week for about a year till my insurance ran out, but by then I had enough to put into action on my own. I’ve journaled almost everyday since my eating disorder started but by the time I went to therapy I really wanted my eating disorder gone. I was so sick of it because I was smart and was so frustrated I couldn’t stop doing these behaviors. I journaled about every session and dug deep into every question she asked me. Therapy saved my life. The most important things I learned were boundaries, finding my voice, and learning to trust myself.
I read some amazing books that helped me in my recovery such as the ones listed on my resource page.
I also believe in both cognitive therapy and somatic work. One of my professions was a massage therapist/esthetician so I was able to see the connections between the body and how it stores emotions. I would get massages and I believe that safe touch was helpful for me in learning to love my body. I’ve also massaged, given facials, and waxed hundreds of other bodies and it was amazing how different they all were. I realized that all bodies are different and hold strength and beauty.
One of the hugest things that was stunted with my eating disorder was my sexuality. I started to develop a more accepting way to see and touch my body. I took aerial silk and pole dancing to move my body in a way that felt fun and not just “exercise.” I took a tantra class and saw a sex therapist for a brief time, and both were excellent.
Getting into acting was also a profound experience for me in my recovery. It was a safe space to learn to sit with, feel, and express emotions as well as learn to be present with myself and someone else. It allowed me to dive deep into feeling and experiencing the world of whoever I was playing in each script. One of my acting teachers once told me in a critique, “Your power lies in the things you fear – emotion, vulnerability, and being in your body.” I still have those words written down on a piece of paper next to the mirror in my room. Those were all things I used to fear, especially in my eating disorder and it was my acting teacher who reminded me that those were my greatest strengths.
Now I sit with my emotions, process them, and clear things out whenever they come up. I have a few safe female friends I process things with. I scream or cry in my car when I need to release strong emotions. I consistently forgive. I pray. I list things I’m grateful for. I create. I laugh. I do my best to give back to those who are still struggling like I was back then.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
ZZ: Life is weird and wonderful. I recently went through a divorce, which wasn’t my choice, and my entire life completely changed. I’ve learned so much about myself and grew in ways I never imagined and I love who I am now at this point in my life. I have learned how to have so much compassion for myself and to deeply love myself, and others, because we are all doing our best. I’m in school to be a Therapist (LMFT; licensed marriage and family therapist) with a specialty in addiction and I currently work at a drug/alcohol rehab program.
As far as my eating disorder, it’s a non-issue now, exactly the way I wanted to recover years ago. There was a point I had no hope that I could recover and so to be on this side of it is amazing. What helps me the most in daily life is having friends and support, taking care of myself, and being able to allow and feel my emotions knowing they won’t kill me.
DS: You’ve recently started a podcast. Tell us about the focus of the podcast and your goals for this project.
ZZ: Yay. I recently launched a podcast called Throwing Up Rainbows about eating disorders, addiction, and destructive behaviors as a way to reach more people who may feel alone, like I did. I’m so excited for this podcast and for the people who need it to find it. The podcast invites you into the secret world of eating disorders and addiction creating narratives for the treadmill of your heart. Episodes are 20 minutes max, and blend with an ambiance of dynamic, haunting music.
I felt so alone and hopeless when I was in my eating disorder and millions of people are feeling like this right now so my teammate and I created this podcast. Each episode is short, creative, and powerful and will help you right now. My goal is to pull apart the dirty little secrets around eating disorders and addiction and to talk about all the stuff under our addictions. It’s about understanding ourselves better so we can heal and have the lives we desire.
DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
ZZ: Do whatever it takes to recover, no matter how long it takes. There is a reason that you have your addiction and it’s not because you’re stupid. There are reasons we do what we do and it’s because at one point it helped us in some way, it offered us something that was worth it at that time.
Get cognitive therapy. Get somatic therapy. Learn how to sit with your emotions. Cry, scream into your pillow or in your car, dance. Get all that emotional junk out of your body. Remember that you are not your addiction and that you can be free. If you keep going you will eventually recover.
About Z:
Z Zoccolante, who has fully recovered from anorexia and bulimia, is dedicated to helping others on their recovery journey. She loves belly laughs, cookies, starry skies, and fairytale villains. Originally from Hawai‘i, she now lives in LA pursuing multi-faceted dreams and her Masters degree in psychology, specializing in substance and behavioral addiction. Her recently published memoir, Throwing Up Rainbows: My Eating Disorder and Other Colorful Things, chronicles her recovery from her eating disorder. Also check out her podcast, Throwing Up Rainbows, which further provides a glimpse into the world of eating disorder’s dirty little secrets. You can also find the podcast via iTunes and Facebook. You can connect further with Z via her website or Facebook.
Thanks so much to Z for her inspiring story of hope!
Would you like to share your story of hope? I plan to feature more personal accounts like this from time to time on my blog. If you are interested in sharing your story, please notify me via my contact page. Also, please subscribe to my blog and feel free to follow me on X (formerly Twitter), “like” my Facebook page, or connect on LinkedIn. Finally, if you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend. Thanks!