Life Can Change for the Better

Stories of Hope: An Interview with Charlotte Underwood

This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked author and advocate Charlotte Underwood about her history of mental health challenges and her current activities. Here’s our interview:

DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?

CU: I have been battling against my own mental health for my whole life. I just didn’t know it until I was 14 years old. My mother had told me my first suicide attempt was when I was 4. I have no memory, but I do know that I have always felt different. I see the world unlike most.

At 14, I finally had friends, I was popular and wanted for the first time in my life; it got to my head and my ego enlarged. Despite feeling more empowered than ever, like I was living my best life, I also noticed that I was developing unhealthy habits. By the time I was 15, I was an alcoholic and a regular self-harmer.

I didn’t feel like something was wrong. I didn’t understand mental health; it had never been explained to me. I just thought this was life, but when I looked in the mirror, I lost sight of who I was. I lost my morality, I was a shell and I was infatuated with everything destructive. This is when I knew.

DS: What was the turning point that led you to decide to seek help?

CU: Over the last 8 years, I have sought help a number of times but I would always shy away and give up. I have a serious flight complex and zero focus, so if something doesn’t go my way, I get hot-headed and walk away. In January 2017, my life was at an all-time low. I couldn’t leave the house or communicate at all. I was detached and unable to function; I didn’t leave my bed.

I am someone who needs to be busy. I need to be doing lots of things to keep my mental health satisfied, so being unable to do this caused me to spiral and end up with severe suicidal thoughts for months. I decided enough was enough. I wanted to live and I wanted to be stable before my wedding in February.

DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?

CU: I have been on three types of medication over the years. Firstly I was on an antidpressant which caused me severe fatigue and anger. I ended up overdosing on this medication so I asked to go off it. I was on a second medicine for depression but even on the highest dose it made no change at all, it did nothing for me. I kept trying for over a year but I had enough and stopped taking it. Thirdly and currently, I am on yet another antidepressant at the highest dose and have been for over a year. It has helped with the suicidal thoughts and sleep, however for the last two months it has been ineffective.

Currently I am due to have my medication reviewed and for my mental health to be looked into, to get a more accurate diagnosis. It’s been suggested I may have dyslexia, ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder), autism and/or borderline personality disorder. It all seems to fit but it is too early to diagnose.

I should start cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) in the following months which will help decide the best route of action. All I know is that 8 years after first suffering severe mental illness, I am now getting treatment and I know that this time, it’s going to work and I’m not going to run.

DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?

CU: I have recently suffered a crisis but it has been a blessing. It’s fast-forwarded my place on the waiting list and given the doctors a realisation that this is very real and I need long-term help. The challenges come from the constant waiting lists and jumping about from one care team to another; there is little stability. Inside of me, I believe getting the diagnosis is key as it may explain why I am not doing well with medication as well as providing me with real and effective treatment options that focus on whatever is causing my ailments.

What has helped me the most is having a partner who supports me no matter what and allows me to be who I am. He respects me a lot and gives me a reason to learn to trust again. Leaving my mother’s house was a vital decision as it was a toxic environment and since then, I have found my panic attacks and self-harming urges have reduced.

On a daily basis, I find that talking about my feelings, tweeting about support and writing often helps. Putting my feelings out into the world and not hiding who I am keeps me stable. Writing is definitely a form of therapy and in some ways it has saved my life.

DS: You’ve been active in mental health advocacy and social media. Tell us about your involvement in those activities and about your books you have written.

CU: In June 2016, after being out of work for a while, I felt the sudden need to write. As a child I would write often and I was a huge book worm but I had never thought of doing it publicly as I never had the chance and I was scared of being judged. In July I published my first book ‘After Suicide,’ which tells my personal experience and account of the time before, during and after my father’s suicide attempt. I wrote this book as I felt there was little support for the bereaved by suicide but I also felt the book could become an invaluable aid to understand suicide.

I wrote a second book called ‘The House on The Avenue’ which is not entirely focused on mental health but it is based on very real hallucinations that I suffered from for the first 18 years of my life. It makes a good thriller but it also shows how difficult and stressful it can be to see something that others don’t. It’s so much more than just fiction.

I am working on a third book that focuses on mental health in relationships, again inspired by my own life events. I am working to get it published but I am not sure when or if it will happen. I am confident this book will prove an entertaining and enlightening read, though certainly out of typical romantic fiction guidelines. If all fails, I will be publishing it as an e-book on Amazon. I believe mental health is not spoken about often in relationships and yet mental health can be detrimental to any form of relationship, so it’s important I get this book out to encourage talking about something that is still so taboo.

On a daily basis I use X (formerly Twitter) to share my thoughts, to raise awareness of mental health and suicide but I also keep my DM’s open so anyone can message me. I try to help people as much as I can and support them so they can get through their battles. I never want anyone to be alone so I try to be available. I also blog and go into depth about what goes in on my mind.

I am also planning a charity ball in my father’s memory to raise awareness of suicide. The big picture for me will be to go around to schools and workplaces to discuss mental health, I also want to work closely with my community and maybe even nationally to make daily life easier on those with bad mental health.

DS: What would you like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?

CU: Recovery takes time, it is not linear. You will have ups and downs; you may be ‘fine’ for weeks and out of the blue you may fall into a relapse, but that it ok. The important part is to realize that you are not alone, that there is support out there and it’s important to utilize it. I know that I am always there for anyone who needs it. Remember that life can change for the better, but it’s a lot of hard work on self-care and knowledge to better understand yourself.

About Charlotte