Stories of Hope: An Interview with Gerard Gerlach
This is part of a series featuring individuals who share their life experiences with mental health issues. Recently, I asked Gerard Gerlach about his journey and his current activities. As a content warning, Gerard does discuss his past thoughts, feelings and behaviors related to suicide. Here’s our interview:
DS: Tell us about when you first started becoming aware of concerns related to your mental health. How did these issues continue to affect you before you sought treatment?
GG: At 14, I realized I was a homosexual and at the same time I was being molested by two of my male neighbors. It was against the Catholic church to be gay. I just wanted to be liked but instead I was bullied all through junior high and high school. My father was an alcoholic and physically abusive. The day I left my hometown was the best day of my life.
I was angry at the world. I wanted to tell my family that I was gay but at the same time I feared I would be disowned. All my brothers and sisters obtained great jobs after college. I barely made enough money to live on. I was sexually active and all I wanted was to be loved. I thought of suicide every day.
DS: What was the turning point that led you to seek help?
GG: I was 41 and had just left my second partner. I was addicted to crack cocaine and couldn’t stop. I lost my job as a District Manager. My house was in foreclosure, credit cards maxed out and my savings were depleted. The worst part was I lost myself. I just wanted to die.
I had to tell my family I was gay and a drug addict. I needed their love and support to get through this. If they disowned me then I had a plan to commit suicide.
After several alcohol and drug treatment programs it was suggested I get a therapist. I would manage to get 30 days clean and then relapse. This was an ongoing pattern for me.
DS: What has your treatment consisted of, and what have you found that has worked well for you?
GG: My therapist diagnosed me with melancholic depression (clinical depression) with suicidal ideation. The diagnosis answered a lot of my questions on how I felt. Trouble staying asleep, lack of interest in things, felt tired when I woke up, overeating, couldn’t concentrate, trouble making decisions, and lack of emotions, especially with anything that was funny. I felt worthless and thought and talked about suicide and death daily.
I have found medications that help with the depression, the sleep and the nightmares. I still struggle to find a good combination for the anxiety. Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) has been the only treatment that has taken the suicide thoughts away. I would think of suicide several times a day, especially when I was driving.
It has taken years for my depression to improve from the ECT’s. Cognitive therapy (CBT) has been a life line for me. I have a therapist that is gay and his father had melancholic depression. It was important for me to relate to someone who understood what it is like to live with this type of depression.
DS: How are things going for you now? What challenges are you still facing? What have you learned that has helped you stay positive and healthy?
GG: In August 2017, I started to use crack. I had 10 years clean but I was struggling with the depression and suicide thoughts. I just wanted to feel good. I just wanted to be able to laugh and enjoy life. I was tired of being tired.
The suicide thoughts were rampant and I just wanted my family to be proud of me. All I heard over and over that it was my fault that I used the drugs and that is why I was broke. I hated to ask my family for money but I didn’t have any other choice.
I had trouble keeping a job. I would get angry with my co-workers over minor work place issues. I would go to management and complain and doing so I would get fired. I decided to kill myself. After several failed attempts I knew I had to have plenty of drugs, alcohol to make sure I would never wake up again. This was it for me. I was ready to go.
I accidently set my bed on fire and as I laid there, I knew I had only minutes left before I would die. I was relieved that my time had finally come. As my legs started to burn the pain was unbearable. If I could hold on for a few minutes longer it would be over with. The smoke was burning my eyes. I could no longer handle the smoke and I got up and walked to the kitchen. I was hoping to pass out. In the distance I could hear the fire trucks. I was begging God to take me. God Please Let Me Die, Please God Please. Once again, I failed in killing myself.
In October 2017, my psychiatrist convinced me for the last time to try ECT. This would be my third try with ECT. I hated the procedure. The memory loss. I was so desperate to find anything that would work and unfortunately this was my only choice. Medications alone weren’t strong enough. I tried the transcranial magnetic stimulation procedure (TMS). It was helpful for the suicide thoughts but didn’t help the depression.
I worked with the ECT doctor and head nurse to figure out what was the best course of action for me. Twelve treatments in 30 days. At the end of the 30 days the suicide thoughts were gone. I was ever so grateful to my team of doctors. All I wanted was to die and all they wanted was for me to live.
I continued with the ECT treatments for 1.5 years. After 60 ECT’s I was having trouble recovering between each treatment. The recovery time wasn’t long enough. I asked the doctor if I could go from every 4 weeks to every 6 weeks. For the next several months the recovery time was better but the depression started to get worse. I was headed for a relapse.
In May 2019, I went drinking with friends. Not realizing how much I drank I left the bar. I drove 30 miles in a blackout. I was stopped by the police and put in jail for 20 days, charged with a DUI and drug possession. Once again, I had given up on life. I just wanted it all to stop. I was tired of the ECT’s. The memory loss, depression, anxiety and the anger. My attorney worked with the Judge and I was released from jail and put on probation for 3 years. I came to realize how lucky I was that I didn’t kill someone else.
I met with my ECT doctor and decided to go from 6 weeks to 5 weeks. The treatments have been successful. I feel less confused and have a better outlook on life. The night I was arrested made me realize sometimes I need to be patient. I learned this saying in AA: sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly it will always materialize if I work for it.
March 2020. My life was forever changed. I woke up and the depression was gone. I wanted to get up and do things. My attitude on life had changed. I had a chance at life that I had never experienced before. I finally knew what my therapist meant when he said I had to love myself. I had to treat myself and enjoy life.
Today I get to do all of that and more. Today, I can say I love myself. Things that so many people take for granted is a huge deal to me. Buying a ice cream cone, laughing, crying because I felt good, getting mad and apologizing for it, mowing the grass and planting flowers, grocery shopping and knowing when I go to sleep I would wake up and be ready to enjoy life.
DS: You’ve been involved in mental health advocacy. Tell us about your work in this area.
GG: I am a mental health advocate. My main focus is on the way a person with mental illness is treated in the retail environment. Just because I suffer with mental illness doesn’t give the employee of a company the right to treat me any different than any other customer. Sometimes I need things written down due to my memory. I don’t understand a store policy and need it to be explained in detail. Often, when I question these employees they get upset, agitated and become very irate. This is unacceptable.
My mission is to let these companies know that mental illness does exist and their employees need to be trained on how to handle mental illness in the retail environment. These employees don’t realize how their actions can cause harm to a person with mental illness.
I suffer from depression, anxiety and suicide thoughts. There have been times when I have been mistreated in a retail store that I wanted to go home and kill myself. I was embarrassed in front of other customers. I tried to explain but the store employee wouldn’t listen and I left feeling hopeless. I am sure this employee had no clue that his/her actions would cause me to have this kind of reaction. This is why we must speak up and let these companies know this kind of behavior is unacceptable.
Nothing is going to change until we speak up and tell these companies either they change or we shop someplace else.
DS: What would I like to say to encourage others who are still working on their journey of recovery?
GG: Never, ever give up!! It took me 24 years to get where I am at today. Many ups and downs. I always took my medications. Even when I felt my meds weren’t working. I reached out to my doctors and let them know how I was doing. I let them know when the meds weren’t working. The doctor-patient relationship is very important. There has to be trust on each end. To me, my doctors were miracle workers. They kept me alive. Through many hospitalizations and suicide attempts and my doctors were always there for me.
I go to AA meetings and I talk about my addiction and mental illness. I must talk about both if I want to stay clean. I have to be honest about myself if I want to help others. I speak up to let others know there is help.
I am proud that I am an addict, I am gay and I have mental Illness.
About Gerard
I am a graduate from Wright State University. I am disabled due to my depression and anxiety. I am also a suicide survivor. My mission is to talk about suicide and how it affects the family. I have reached out to parents, brothers/sisters, teachers, ministers and priests and shared what it was like the last few minutes before I tried to end my life. The feelings, the relief, and the pain. Asking God to take me and help my family to understand why I had to end my life. I want everyone to know who has lost someone to suicide there was nothing they could have said that would have changed the outcome. You can reach me at gbgerl@yahoo.com or on Facebook.
Thanks so much to Gerard for sharing his inspiring story of hope!
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